Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Good bye 2008

It's 6 more hours to midnight, which means, another 6 hours left of 2008. Looking back, there has been so many things happening this year, which made me laugh as much as I cry. OK, maybe I didn't cry too much, but laugh more than crying. But I remember several times when my world collapsed and my heart was ripping. When tears coming out of your eyes, you would feel better after the last one drops out of your eyes. But when your heart is crying, you won't see anything coming out, but it is drying your soul out like the drought hits the beautiful savanna. (Better watch National Geographic to know what exactly happen there).

I'm searching for the meaning of my existence. I don't know if by just being myself, have I ever touched anyone's heart, in a good way, and if ever it was in a bad way, please forgive me, for all my shortcomings. I am not trying to be perfect, as perfect is overrated. But I do want to be a good person, at least in the God's vision, and to at least start loving myself.

Goals..among all I have,what have I achieved this year? I think,none of the most important ones. If I list it all out like Bridget Jones, hmm...I'm certain it will keep changing every minutes. But I think, I was born as a fighter. I fought to live before I was born, I fought to be where I have been, I have fought for everything. Even if I have lost many battles, I'm still here, and still being alive is the biggest battle that I have won,Alhamdulillah.

Hijri New Year was 2 days ago, and tomorrow is a new day for a new year. Hopefully tomorrow and beyond will bring so much more success & happiness for me and everyone. Have a blessed life and may we grow to be a better person than we have been this year. Goodbye 2008...

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

If only...

This morning, in Flyfm's Fix-it was about a girl, who summoned up her courage to propose to a guy she loves, got rejected, she laughed and hung-up the phone. Well, I've been there,done that and I know very well how it wasn't really a laugh. Ben & Nadia called her back,asking if she's ok, and from the sound of it, I knew she's not going to be ok for a long time. So, if I ever get to meet her, the one thing I'd like to say is, "Welcome to the club, let's go to my secluded big,white,cold room. i think,your red flakes are there too".

I remember posting on my Friendster's blog, a snippet from a book I read, titled "Ku pinang Engkau Dengan Hamdalah" about proposal from women. I'm too lazy to translate it in English, but the writer mentioned that Islam allow woman offering herself to a man who she trusts of having a strong faith and trustworthy to be her husband. It is a part of a way for self-remonstrance (mujahadah).

If only you're mine,
your soul, your heart, your love are for me alone,
how I wish you'll be mine forever
in this life and the hereafter.

If only you're mine,
I know by then that my prayers are really answered,
when you love me in return, with all your heart
I'll be the happiest person on earth

That's it,it's not complete, but I have no more idea. I'm still inside that room. I'm really really tired of moving on. This time, I want to stay, as long as I could. Call me crazy, but I don't care about anything anymore.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Virgo women personality

This is taken from an e-mail,forwarded by my cousin long ago, which I find that it is ALMOST similar to my own personality.hmm...interesting..

She will be similar to Leo woman in appearance. A slim woman who walks with confident and proud. She has an egg shape facial structure, high and round forehead. She likes to look straight as if she is searching. She is not a pretentious type and will always say what she thinks.
You will see Virgo woman walks fast. She will try her best to be perfect, to look perfect and to feel perfect even though there is no such perfection. She is very delicate of what and how she dress. She is bright and easily despair with obstacles. She likes smart guy who will be compatible with her,so if you are a rich dumb guy, you can forget about her right now.

She is not a very possessive or jealous person for she expect respect from her love one. She does not like a part time lover, or a temporary mate. If she finds her dream man, she will not go away. If she does not like you, she will always keep a certain distant. Act proper and appropriate is her discipline.

She does not like and can not stand bad languages, cursing words or phrase. She likes a gentleman who open the doors for her. She wants to feel protected and when a man taking care of her, she will feel like a complete woman.

She memorizes everything about other people and about herself very well. She can really keep secret, you can trust her on this. She likes a refreshing and a mild scent. She is very delicate in maintaining her beauty, so you could see she is seriously picking soap which match and most suit her skin. Do not comments her on this very picky habits, it is her happiness in working full times as a self beautifier.

She is not an innocent angle for sometimes she can be as tough as steel. Even she easily despair, she is not the type to cry over it. She is a shy type, so making speech in front of the room can make her nervous even she walks and talks confidently.

She only search for true love , not just any love. Her love is an ideal one. She likes to think no one is neater and as effective as her, which can irritate you sometimes for there is no such thing. She likes sweet talk, but she can slip and say something unpredictable and unbearable to you too. When she stops getting mad, she will totally forget what she just said and be an angle again . If you have a date with her , you’d better be there on time.

Flowers and sweet word can calm her down. If you want to say sorry , make it brief and straight forward. Do not drag your apologetic words into a long making it up events, it could lead you to another world war. She likes her man to dress nice and clean. She is good in details especially with money.Do not make she thinks that she is a clown or funny.

In the beginning of knowing her, please try not to glance at other pretty woman so much. Early period of dating her, try not to hold her so much in public, it would not be a proper thing to do. She loves books, stage play and music and likes to criticize about them too.

Criticism woman is her icon including big and small things in life starting from your hair, your dress , and the way you talk. If you are in love with her, be as almost perfect as your can.

Friday, November 28, 2008


Ever imagine yourself sitting in a secluded corner of a huge, cold, white room, crying your heart all out, watching pieces of red flakers (which is your heart) shattered all over the room on the floor. You've worked so hard picking up each and every piece of it, trying to mend it to be whole again. I did, many, many times, and today, it happen again, and this time, I don't think I'll be picking any of those pieces anymore.

Ever tried so hard to believe in your prayers? You repeat it over and over again like a chant, until sometimes, you fell asleep reciting it. I did, with all my heart, I believed and wanting to keep believing it. Just when you think your prayers were answered, you are, losing it again. I don't need a reason to be angry with God, even how ill, very very ill my fate is. But now, I guess, I shouldn't say that specific prayer anymore, because here I am, broken again, after believing in it was answered.

I am here, in my huge, cold, white room, looking at the red flakes of my heart, which I am certain, at this point of time, I am not going to mend them anymore.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Long week..

The title explains itself. Last week, I went to Pahang, about 4 hours drive from Shah Alam, with a bus fuul of postgrad student of my faculty. We had a great time there, a programme with secondary school students, and I think, this is my first time becoming a facilitator in such programme. I only used to be so during my school years, and matriculation, never during my undergrad and postgrad. There are some shortcomings, but its understandable, for a school in rural area. So, we tried to make the best of everything available. Two days there, on Wed & Thu.

On our way back to Shah Alam, the bus broke down all of a sudden and its kinda scary, being in the middle of nowhere, dark, quiet and isolated. Good enough that the university has a lot of branch campusses, in almost every state.So, one that's exactly in our radius there lent us a bus, but we still had to wait an hour for it to fetch us. Upon arrival at the main campus, again, we had to wait to go home, the security personnel locked the gate of the resident college where we all parked our cars. I arrived home very late, alone, and that was my first time too. Hopped into bed at 3 am..imagine how exhausted I was..
Before going there, I downloaded an antivirus trial software,the latest version, in a hope that if it works well, I may want to buy one. And unfortunately, I found my computer to be a big mess on Friday, upon returning from the trip. Couldn't get connected to the internet and it really drove me nuts! So, after some advice from a few computer shops I went to, they all asked me to format the computer to prevent further damage. So, as I was so broke, I tried, for the very first time, formatting my beloved laptop, with a great fear in my heart and loads of prayers that it will go on smoothly. I have all the things needed, OS and drivers CDs, and alhamdulillah, it turned out well. So, prior to tranferring all my works back into the computer, I HAD to buy the antivirus software,as I am pretty sure, the mess was from the many malicious things nesting inside her. That's when I bought Kapersky Internet Security 2009, with the hope that he will guard my precious baby to the fullest.Hope its worth buying.

My bookstore trips made a progress I think,rather than just 1 in 3 months, I had several trips on October alone, and I loved them. First, MPH book festival at the SACC Mall, Kinokuniya KLCC,Borders Time Square, MPH Subang Parade, and last weekend, MPH Giant Section 13. There, I found a used book stall, but nothing interesting, most were very old novels of the 80s and 90s.

What else? I'm still in search of my happiness, never stop praying. Now, doing labworks again, after the pre-viva session, my boss asked me to repeat the characterisation, because the graph was too good to be true. Odd isn't it? Of course it should, I stayed in my lab until late at night alone, in this empty building. Something strange about this faculty-nobody stays to work after office hour,you'll find the building extremely quiet after 7 pm, which was a culture shock for me when I first stepped in here. I used to spend 24 hours in the lab, eating and sleeping, can literally say that it was my 2nd home in my undergrad years.

Enough with the rantings.I need to eat, I'm starrrrvvinnnggg....

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Inviting happiness into your life

Too much hought lingered through my mind that I kept waking up several times last night. Heavy thinking, and it messed up with my nightly sleep.I hope I won't get grumpy today, a mug of coffee is in my system now, hopefully,enough to wake up my senses.

This week is gonna be tough, I have important things to tend to but ugh...I really really really want to be happy..(yeah, I repeat the word three times purposely).You wanna know why? I watched Oprah on Hallmark a couple of weeks ago.That night was the Book Club night, and she discussed about Elizabeth Gilbert's "
Eat, Pray, Love" (I adore the cover of that book..Credits to Green Wellies from Flickr for the image).

I'd been eyeing that book for a long time during my occasional (like once in 3 month? because I was so busy :P) visits to MPH and Borders. If you look at her face, she's glowing with happiness, finally, after her long search of it. The book is inspiring as Elizabeth takes us to Italy, India and Indonesia as she searches for the true meaning of her existance and discover herself in each of those places. At the end of her journey, she finally found love, when she least expected it. (Ahh..I heard everyone telling me better works!!) So, the 3 times really was her idea that on every beginning of the day, start by writing in your journal or diary the things that you really really really want to achieve that day. Because the 3 times wanting it makes you feel more motivated. Hmm..I'm not good at giving book review, but this is my best effort (you can laugh at my silly attempt,I don't mind..).

So,again, I really really really want to be happy and successful in my life and I really really really hope I can share it with someone I love (only God knows where he is, and I wish he will find me here, someday, soon enough..I am waiting for you with all my heart and love..Mr Whoever You Are. In order to have love, I am moving forward now, and start loving myself. Only by loving yourself you will find love. Allah created us with love. Find love in Him, confide in God when you have no one to listen to you, He will always listen.

Remember the 3 times really!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Hiya!! uhm...been a while and I'm still in this miserable mood,yikes!!
Ramadhan has gone and it's Syawal now. Perhaps, it's not too late to wish everyone happy holiday & Eid Mubarak! Please forgive me, all my shortcomings and bad deeds, and I hope that may we all be blessed by the Almighty this Syawal and beyond.

I am still not feeling well, got a cold from my uncle back when we were in my mom's hometown.I magine driving for 9 hours with cold, runny nose, and all those sob songs coming out from my MP3 modulator on the radio. I had a lot of heavy thoughts in my mind those 9 hours. And still, Daniel Bedingfield's 'If you're not the one' maintained to stay in this very secluded spot in my heart for 4 years!

"I never know what the future brings (of course, nobody knows how our future will be like, but we have always hope foe the best didn't we?)

But I know you are here with me now

We'll make it through

And I hope you are the one I share my life with

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed? (I used to cry myself out every night while waiting for sleep to take me)

If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?

If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?

If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife? (I have had this kind of dreams several times, felt real, i was really happy in them)

I don't know why you're so far away

But I know that this much is true

We'll make it through

And I hope you are the one I share my life with

And I wish that you could be the one I die with

And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with

I hope I love you all my life

(this is the most touching parts, the one I die with, it is very devastating to live your life alone, dying alone etc. And yes, when you pray hard to share your life and start a family with someone and suddenly, everything was taken away from you, it is very very devastating. I know that my life has never been great, and I don't know if it will ever be.But even how miserable my life is, there are some beautiful, shiny days that I wish I have someone to share it with.Even if someday, I can only afford to live in a small hut, cooking some very simple, not so decent nor lavish meals, I do hope I can cook them for someone with all my heart,with lots of love.And that, for me, is the most fulfilling, decent meals I can ever have in this whole world.)

To add more to the misery, try listening to James Blunt's 'Goodbye my lover':
"It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals."
"I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be"

(indeed, it's my dreams you take.They left you all alone, and took away all your dreams. And it hurts a million times more when you know that they are sharing your dreams with someone else. YOUR DREAMS, those were the things you have wished so much to share with them, you told them the things that you want to do to them when the two of you are together someday.That's when you wish you never know them in the very first place. That's when you regret telling them all your dreams.That's when you feel so devastated that you wish you want to run away to the end of the earth and just stay there, where the time stops and you can unwind everything.)

I found an interesting website with a lot of articles related to my situation. The author, Chris Roberts seems to understand very well the feelings of broken hearted peoples.

"Many people have come through this kind of pain that they feel like they will die from a broken heart. While, many of them get off their grief, some can actually die from a broken heart without them knowing it. Women are at most risk at dying from a broken heart." (sounds familiar? This is his fact to support the idea)

"During the ‘70s, Mayo Clinic medical researchers realized that how people think and feel does correlate to how healthy a person’s heart is and will be. The Mayo Clinic studied more than 170 people that had been suffering from intense sadness and fury can suffer from Sudden Cardiac Death. It meant that people who have a broken heart can die from it."

So, no wonder that heart breaks does take a toll on someone's health.An easy example is what have happened to myself. I kept losing weight eventhough I eat very well, on time, don't skip meals and should believe me when I say I eat a lot! I don't care about carb contents, love fast foods and I've always ordered KFC cheesy wedges with extra cheese and mayo! So, I guess, some reasearch has to be done to my case.

OK, enough said there. I better go now.I have to stop grieving, on my way actually. It is a very slow and painful process, but yeah, I am hoping to feel better with each passing day.Problems never ends, that's the challenges packaged with our life. I have a bigger issue to deal with, my gruesome studies,I really really hope to graduate a.s.a.p. I can't bear the mess any longer!

Quoting Margo's (where are you beautiful lady?) "Loving life, loving you" (yes, all of you who are generous enough to spend some of your precious time reading my whinings,thanks).

C'est la vie! (credits to BJ for translating it to me).

Thursday, September 4, 2008

One minute

If I were to have another minute to be with you,
I would use up my first four seconds to say...
I will miss you.

I would use my next 11 seconds to say...
Do you know how much I missed you? Only God knows.

My next eight seconds to say...
Whisper for my name whenever you need me.

My precious ten seconds to tell you that...
I will always be around with you no matter what.

I only need fourteen seconds to say that...
If you felt lonely, try to imagine as if I was sitting beside you.

Another ten seconds to whisper to your ear that...
I wanted to be with you in my life forever.

My last three seconds to confess to you that...
I love you.

(not mine, extracted from somewhere which I couldn't remember,but I've kept it in my laptop since early of 2007.Love the sweet words so much! Touched my heart..)

Friday, August 29, 2008

Lonely heart

Last Sunday, I had a chance to take my mom and sisters to Midvalley Megamall. I left them to do some grocery shopping and went straight to my favourite spot, MPH bookstore. Not that I’m a nerd or bookworm, but I can spend hours in bookstore and sometimes, lost track of time..haha..

Caught sight of some references and found a secluded spot there and read some. Only then I realized that I am starting to have a fever..ahh..then, looking at couples, holding hands and some of them have baby in stroller, what a beautiful sight. To have someone love you so much and sharing the same interest, how I wish I can have that too. I know I am such an introvert, as I really enjoy solitude so much. Then, I went out of MPH for a while, that’s where I feel like Teddy Geiger’s song, “if I could dim the light in a mall and create a mood, I would”. I stood there at the center of the court, alone, looking at a huge crowd of people, and I started to hear nothing, like it is an ultimate silence, and I can feel like I am the only person there, at that moment, and it was so cold, so lonely.

Then, I started thinking, up until now, what if I am meant to be here, in this world, alone, for the rest of my life? The previous night’s discussion when my cousins and I hung out suddenly rang in my mind. And I sat there, wondering again, what should I do with my life now? I am scared to plan for anything now, as each time I had one, it would always shattered and I was left with nothing, had to start anew from scratch, over and over again. And that, really.. really hurt soooo much. That’s when I decided, to just leave everything and just go on with the flow of my life. Wherever it may take me, I’ll leave everything to God now. I don’t know what else to do, what else I can work on with.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

When the going gets tough..'s been a loong while since I last scribbled something here..I don't even know if there is anyone reading this. Remember my previous post, when said if I am gone missing, who will look out and find me?..hmm..I can say that there are a few..
I got involved in a nasty car accident, just a kilometre from my house, and...the trauma is still haunting me. Alhamdulillah, I survived the crash without a single scratch, but I fainted a few times, from shocked

Quite a crowd gathered there, including some bouncers, trying to persuade me to let them tow my poor car..huh..what a scene!! Give me a break laa..I was soo confused and scared..That happened on the 10th of April, exactly 6 days after my previous post.
It took me more than a month to get her back, and yeah..she is different now, not like the way she used to be. The engine is noisier, leaking here and there, but, just have to be thankful to Allah, everything is better now. At least, I still have a car. Imagine those who doesn't have any, who had to take a crowded bus (I know how it feels..I've been there loong before I have this tiny car) or..those who can't even walk..there are so many things we have to be thankful for yet, we are still whining for things we don't have.I rode a motorcycle to work that whole month.Haha..a minah rempit after the drift incident.

Now, I am struggling to graduate.I have a BIG issue with school, that the whole faculty knows..I am in a BIG trouble, but I know, things will be better sooner or later.I am trying my best to keep some faith, try to think positive and put it into work, in personal matters, in everything..May Allah help me and help us all..amiin..

That's when I realize, "when the going gets tough, only the tough gets going!"
I knew that phrase from a mural, back when I was in high school. It made me wonder, am I that tough? I hope I am. I hope I will always stay strong, so that no matter what happen, I can still be patient and get going, I can still smile and relax. I have some peoples, giving me their support and strength, and I thank them so much to just be there for me. I love you all and I wish everyone the best things in life..

Friday, April 4, 2008


First of all..I'm NOT in any way connected to Hans Christian Andersen's The Ugly Duckling children fairytale..but somehow,a part of life I'm going through right now is pretty much related, where there is a sense on not belonging to this certain group, isolated and lonely..hahaha..sounds tragic huh? If the Ugly Duckling in that story ended-up being a beautiful swan, I am so not like that. To describe myself, I wear a pair of old, baggy jeans, huge blouse or baju kurung and a BATA slippers that old ladies wear to go to the market, practically everywhere. That would explain the Ugly part, not the duckling. But I think..I don't care what peoples say about me,as long as I'm comfortable with whatever I am wearing.. *wink*

But musings and babblings are my specialty *mischievous grin*..

I'm old enough I guess..(if 25 is considered old..I have live for a quarter of a century,alhamdulillah..),to be outspoken enough, discussing about everyday things..not to mention,'mengumpat-ing' a bit every now and then.Bad me..*evil grin*

I love listening to Flyfm, an English national radio, especially the Fix-it every weekday morning. And today's Fix-it featured a girl, asking the DJs to fix her problem with her bf, which I think is too silly to be talk about.Aiyoo..come on lah..her bf is no longer open the door for her, pulling a chair for her and other things she considered 'gentleman' things. I know those are romantic things any typical ladies would expect from their bfs to do, but,d'oh.. (slaps forehead) you have hands & legs to do those things yourself. Couples show their nicest side always when in a relationship. But see if they are married, the true colours will come out and you will see how unromantic and ungentleman they will be. i mean,when you have children etc (p/s: I'm single) , when you have the responsibilities, you tend to care more about children & responsibilities and will have less time to be romantic and least,that's what I've witnessed so far..I do wish to have a romantic & gentleman husband one day,I have been and always will be praying for a 'suami soleh' since I was 19..

After so many things that I have gone through, I think, I am more matured now, in a way of managing my life. Not that I am not matured before..haha..I think,I'm learning to live my life a lot independently? Maybe so..But every now and then, I would always be wondering, if I'm gone missing, will there be anyone looking for me? My family would of course, but others? Hmm..I just don't know..