Friday, August 29, 2008

Lonely heart

Last Sunday, I had a chance to take my mom and sisters to Midvalley Megamall. I left them to do some grocery shopping and went straight to my favourite spot, MPH bookstore. Not that I’m a nerd or bookworm, but I can spend hours in bookstore and sometimes, lost track of time..haha..

Caught sight of some references and found a secluded spot there and read some. Only then I realized that I am starting to have a fever..ahh..then, looking at couples, holding hands and some of them have baby in stroller, what a beautiful sight. To have someone love you so much and sharing the same interest, how I wish I can have that too. I know I am such an introvert, as I really enjoy solitude so much. Then, I went out of MPH for a while, that’s where I feel like Teddy Geiger’s song, “if I could dim the light in a mall and create a mood, I would”. I stood there at the center of the court, alone, looking at a huge crowd of people, and I started to hear nothing, like it is an ultimate silence, and I can feel like I am the only person there, at that moment, and it was so cold, so lonely.

Then, I started thinking, up until now, what if I am meant to be here, in this world, alone, for the rest of my life? The previous night’s discussion when my cousins and I hung out suddenly rang in my mind. And I sat there, wondering again, what should I do with my life now? I am scared to plan for anything now, as each time I had one, it would always shattered and I was left with nothing, had to start anew from scratch, over and over again. And that, really.. really hurt soooo much. That’s when I decided, to just leave everything and just go on with the flow of my life. Wherever it may take me, I’ll leave everything to God now. I don’t know what else to do, what else I can work on with.