Tuesday, October 28, 2008
This week is gonna be tough, I have important things to tend to but ugh...I really really really want to be happy..(yeah, I repeat the word three times purposely).You wanna know why? I watched Oprah on Hallmark a couple of weeks ago.That night was the Book Club night, and she discussed about Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" (I adore the cover of that book..Credits to Green Wellies from Flickr for the image).
I'd been eyeing that book for a long time during my occasional (like once in 3 month? because I was so busy :P) visits to MPH and Borders. If you look at her face, she's glowing with happiness, finally, after her long search of it. The book is inspiring as Elizabeth takes us to Italy, India and Indonesia as she searches for the true meaning of her existance and discover herself in each of those places. At the end of her journey, she finally found love, when she least expected it. (Ahh..I heard everyone telling me that..it better works!!) So, the 3 times really was her idea that on every beginning of the day, start by writing in your journal or diary the things that you really really really want to achieve that day. Because the 3 times wanting it makes you feel more motivated. Hmm..I'm not good at giving book review, but this is my best effort (you can laugh at my silly attempt,I don't mind..).
So,again, I really really really want to be happy and successful in my life and I really really really hope I can share it with someone I love (only God knows where he is, and I wish he will find me here, someday, soon enough..I am waiting for you with all my heart and love..Mr Whoever You Are. In order to have love, I am moving forward now, and start loving myself. Only by loving yourself you will find love. Allah created us with love. Find love in Him, confide in God when you have no one to listen to you, He will always listen.
Remember the 3 times really!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Ramadhan has gone and it's Syawal now. Perhaps, it's not too late to wish everyone happy holiday & Eid Mubarak! Please forgive me, all my shortcomings and bad deeds, and I hope that may we all be blessed by the Almighty this Syawal and beyond.
I am still not feeling well, got a cold from my uncle back when we were in my mom's hometown.I magine driving for 9 hours with cold, runny nose, and chill..huh..plus all those sob songs coming out from my MP3 modulator on the radio. I had a lot of heavy thoughts in my mind those 9 hours. And still, Daniel Bedingfield's 'If you're not the one' maintained to stay in this very secluded spot in my heart for 4 years!
"I never know what the future brings (of course, nobody knows how our future will be like, but we have always hope foe the best didn't we?)
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed? (I used to cry myself out every night while waiting for sleep to take me)
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife? (I have had this kind of dreams several times, felt real, i was really happy in them)
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
(this is the most touching parts, the one I die with, it is very devastating to live your life alone, dying alone etc. And yes, when you pray hard to share your life and start a family with someone and suddenly, everything was taken away from you, it is very very devastating. I know that my life has never been great, and I don't know if it will ever be.But even how miserable my life is, there are some beautiful, shiny days that I wish I have someone to share it with.Even if someday, I can only afford to live in a small hut, cooking some very simple, not so decent nor lavish meals, I do hope I can cook them for someone with all my heart,with lots of love.And that, for me, is the most fulfilling, decent meals I can ever have in this whole world.)
To add more to the misery, try listening to James Blunt's 'Goodbye my lover':
"It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals."
"I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be"
(indeed, it's my dreams you take.They left you all alone, and took away all your dreams. And it hurts a million times more when you know that they are sharing your dreams with someone else. YOUR DREAMS, those were the things you have wished so much to share with them, you told them the things that you want to do to them when the two of you are together someday.That's when you wish you never know them in the very first place. That's when you regret telling them all your dreams.That's when you feel so devastated that you wish you want to run away to the end of the earth and just stay there, where the time stops and you can unwind everything.)
I found an interesting website with a lot of articles related to my situation. The author, Chris Roberts seems to understand very well the feelings of broken hearted peoples.
"Many people have come through this kind of pain that they feel like they will die from a broken heart. While, many of them get off their grief, some can actually die from a broken heart without them knowing it. Women are at most risk at dying from a broken heart." (sounds familiar? This is his fact to support the idea)
"During the ‘70s, Mayo Clinic medical researchers realized that how people think and feel does correlate to how healthy a person’s heart is and will be. The Mayo Clinic studied more than 170 people that had been suffering from intense sadness and fury can suffer from Sudden Cardiac Death. It meant that people who have a broken heart can die from it."
So, no wonder that heart breaks does take a toll on someone's health.An easy example is what have happened to myself. I kept losing weight eventhough I eat very well, on time, don't skip meals and yeah...you should believe me when I say I eat a lot! I don't care about carb contents, love fast foods and I've always ordered KFC cheesy wedges with extra cheese and mayo! So, I guess, some reasearch has to be done to my case.
OK, enough said there. I better go now.I have to stop grieving, on my way actually. It is a very slow and painful process, but yeah, I am hoping to feel better with each passing day.Problems never ends, that's the challenges packaged with our life. I have a bigger issue to deal with, my gruesome studies,I really really hope to graduate a.s.a.p. I can't bear the mess any longer!
Quoting Margo's (where are you beautiful lady?) "Loving life, loving you" (yes, all of you who are generous enough to spend some of your precious time reading my whinings,thanks).
C'est la vie! (credits to BJ for translating it to me).