Friday, November 28, 2008


Ever imagine yourself sitting in a secluded corner of a huge, cold, white room, crying your heart all out, watching pieces of red flakers (which is your heart) shattered all over the room on the floor. You've worked so hard picking up each and every piece of it, trying to mend it to be whole again. I did, many, many times, and today, it happen again, and this time, I don't think I'll be picking any of those pieces anymore.

Ever tried so hard to believe in your prayers? You repeat it over and over again like a chant, until sometimes, you fell asleep reciting it. I did, with all my heart, I believed and wanting to keep believing it. Just when you think your prayers were answered, you are, losing it again. I don't need a reason to be angry with God, even how ill, very very ill my fate is. But now, I guess, I shouldn't say that specific prayer anymore, because here I am, broken again, after believing in it was answered.

I am here, in my huge, cold, white room, looking at the red flakes of my heart, which I am certain, at this point of time, I am not going to mend them anymore.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Long week..

The title explains itself. Last week, I went to Pahang, about 4 hours drive from Shah Alam, with a bus fuul of postgrad student of my faculty. We had a great time there, a programme with secondary school students, and I think, this is my first time becoming a facilitator in such programme. I only used to be so during my school years, and matriculation, never during my undergrad and postgrad. There are some shortcomings, but its understandable, for a school in rural area. So, we tried to make the best of everything available. Two days there, on Wed & Thu.

On our way back to Shah Alam, the bus broke down all of a sudden and its kinda scary, being in the middle of nowhere, dark, quiet and isolated. Good enough that the university has a lot of branch campusses, in almost every state.So, one that's exactly in our radius there lent us a bus, but we still had to wait an hour for it to fetch us. Upon arrival at the main campus, again, we had to wait to go home, the security personnel locked the gate of the resident college where we all parked our cars. I arrived home very late, alone, and that was my first time too. Hopped into bed at 3 am..imagine how exhausted I was..
Before going there, I downloaded an antivirus trial software,the latest version, in a hope that if it works well, I may want to buy one. And unfortunately, I found my computer to be a big mess on Friday, upon returning from the trip. Couldn't get connected to the internet and it really drove me nuts! So, after some advice from a few computer shops I went to, they all asked me to format the computer to prevent further damage. So, as I was so broke, I tried, for the very first time, formatting my beloved laptop, with a great fear in my heart and loads of prayers that it will go on smoothly. I have all the things needed, OS and drivers CDs, and alhamdulillah, it turned out well. So, prior to tranferring all my works back into the computer, I HAD to buy the antivirus software,as I am pretty sure, the mess was from the many malicious things nesting inside her. That's when I bought Kapersky Internet Security 2009, with the hope that he will guard my precious baby to the fullest.Hope its worth buying.

My bookstore trips made a progress I think,rather than just 1 in 3 months, I had several trips on October alone, and I loved them. First, MPH book festival at the SACC Mall, Kinokuniya KLCC,Borders Time Square, MPH Subang Parade, and last weekend, MPH Giant Section 13. There, I found a used book stall, but nothing interesting, most were very old novels of the 80s and 90s.

What else? I'm still in search of my happiness, never stop praying. Now, doing labworks again, after the pre-viva session, my boss asked me to repeat the characterisation, because the graph was too good to be true. Odd isn't it? Of course it should, I stayed in my lab until late at night alone, in this empty building. Something strange about this faculty-nobody stays to work after office hour,you'll find the building extremely quiet after 7 pm, which was a culture shock for me when I first stepped in here. I used to spend 24 hours in the lab, eating and sleeping, can literally say that it was my 2nd home in my undergrad years.

Enough with the rantings.I need to eat, I'm starrrrvvinnnggg....