Ever imagine yourself sitting in a secluded corner of a huge, cold, white room, crying your heart all out, watching pieces of red flakers (which is your heart) shattered all over the room on the floor. You've worked so hard picking up each and every piece of it, trying to mend it to be whole again. I did, many, many times, and today, it happen again, and this time, I don't think I'll be picking any of those pieces anymore.
Ever tried so hard to believe in your prayers? You repeat it over and over again like a chant, until sometimes, you fell asleep reciting it. I did, with all my heart, I believed and wanting to keep believing it. Just when you think your prayers were answered, you are, losing it again. I don't need a reason to be angry with God, even how ill, very very ill my fate is. But now, I guess, I shouldn't say that specific prayer anymore, because here I am, broken again, after believing in it was answered.
I am here, in my huge, cold, white room, looking at the red flakes of my heart, which I am certain, at this point of time, I am not going to mend them anymore.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Long week..
The title explains itself. Last week, I went to Pahang, about 4 hours drive from Shah Alam, with a bus fuul of postgrad student of my faculty. We had a great time there, a programme with secondary school students, and I think, this is my first time becoming a facilitator in such programme. I only used to be so during my school years, and matriculation, never during my undergrad and postgrad. There are some shortcomings, but its understandable, for a school in rural area. So, we tried to make the best of everything available. Two days there, on Wed & Thu.
On our way back to Shah Alam, the bus broke down all of a sudden and its kinda scary, being in the middle of nowhere, dark, quiet and isolated. Good enough that the university has a lot of branch campusses, in almost every state.So, one that's exactly in our radius there lent us a bus, but we still had to wait an hour for it to fetch us. Upon arrival at the main campus, again, we had to wait to go home, the security personnel locked the gate of the resident college where we all parked our cars. I arrived home very late, alone, and that was my first time too. Hopped into bed at 3 am..imagine how exhausted I was..
Before going there, I downloaded an antivirus trial software,the latest version, in a hope that if it works well, I may want to buy one. And unfortunately, I found my computer to be a big mess on Friday, upon returning from the trip. Couldn't get connected to the internet and it really drove me nuts! So, after some advice from a few computer shops I went to, they all asked me to format the computer to prevent further damage. So, as I was so broke, I tried, for the very first time, formatting my beloved laptop, with a great fear in my heart and loads of prayers that it will go on smoothly. I have all the things needed, OS and drivers CDs, and alhamdulillah, it turned out well. So, prior to tranferring all my works back into the computer, I HAD to buy the antivirus software,as I am pretty sure, the mess was from the many malicious things nesting inside her. That's when I bought Kapersky Internet Security 2009, with the hope that he will guard my precious baby to the fullest.Hope its worth buying.
My bookstore trips made a progress I think,rather than just 1 in 3 months, I had several trips on October alone, and I loved them. First, MPH book festival at the SACC Mall, Kinokuniya KLCC,Borders Time Square, MPH Subang Parade, and last weekend, MPH Giant Section 13. There, I found a used book stall, but nothing interesting, most were very old novels of the 80s and 90s.
What else? I'm still in search of my happiness, never stop praying. Now, doing labworks again, after the pre-viva session, my boss asked me to repeat the characterisation, because the graph was too good to be true. Odd isn't it? Of course it should, I stayed in my lab until late at night alone, in this empty building. Something strange about this faculty-nobody stays to work after office hour,you'll find the building extremely quiet after 7 pm, which was a culture shock for me when I first stepped in here. I used to spend 24 hours in the lab, eating and sleeping, can literally say that it was my 2nd home in my undergrad years.
Enough with the rantings.I need to eat, I'm starrrrvvinnnggg....
On our way back to Shah Alam, the bus broke down all of a sudden and its kinda scary, being in the middle of nowhere, dark, quiet and isolated. Good enough that the university has a lot of branch campusses, in almost every state.So, one that's exactly in our radius there lent us a bus, but we still had to wait an hour for it to fetch us. Upon arrival at the main campus, again, we had to wait to go home, the security personnel locked the gate of the resident college where we all parked our cars. I arrived home very late, alone, and that was my first time too. Hopped into bed at 3 am..imagine how exhausted I was..
Before going there, I downloaded an antivirus trial software,the latest version, in a hope that if it works well, I may want to buy one. And unfortunately, I found my computer to be a big mess on Friday, upon returning from the trip. Couldn't get connected to the internet and it really drove me nuts! So, after some advice from a few computer shops I went to, they all asked me to format the computer to prevent further damage. So, as I was so broke, I tried, for the very first time, formatting my beloved laptop, with a great fear in my heart and loads of prayers that it will go on smoothly. I have all the things needed, OS and drivers CDs, and alhamdulillah, it turned out well. So, prior to tranferring all my works back into the computer, I HAD to buy the antivirus software,as I am pretty sure, the mess was from the many malicious things nesting inside her. That's when I bought Kapersky Internet Security 2009, with the hope that he will guard my precious baby to the fullest.Hope its worth buying.
My bookstore trips made a progress I think,rather than just 1 in 3 months, I had several trips on October alone, and I loved them. First, MPH book festival at the SACC Mall, Kinokuniya KLCC,Borders Time Square, MPH Subang Parade, and last weekend, MPH Giant Section 13. There, I found a used book stall, but nothing interesting, most were very old novels of the 80s and 90s.
What else? I'm still in search of my happiness, never stop praying. Now, doing labworks again, after the pre-viva session, my boss asked me to repeat the characterisation, because the graph was too good to be true. Odd isn't it? Of course it should, I stayed in my lab until late at night alone, in this empty building. Something strange about this faculty-nobody stays to work after office hour,you'll find the building extremely quiet after 7 pm, which was a culture shock for me when I first stepped in here. I used to spend 24 hours in the lab, eating and sleeping, can literally say that it was my 2nd home in my undergrad years.
Enough with the rantings.I need to eat, I'm starrrrvvinnnggg....
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Inviting happiness into your life
Too much hought lingered through my mind that I kept waking up several times last night. Heavy thinking, and it messed up with my nightly sleep.I hope I won't get grumpy today, a mug of coffee is in my system now, hopefully,enough to wake up my senses.
This week is gonna be tough, I have important things to tend to but ugh...I really really really want to be happy..(yeah, I repeat the word three times purposely).You wanna know why? I watched Oprah on Hallmark a couple of weeks ago.That night was the Book Club night, and she discussed about Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" (I adore the cover of that book..Credits to Green Wellies from Flickr for the image).
I'd been eyeing that book for a long time during my occasional (like once in 3 month? because I was so busy :P) visits to MPH and Borders. If you look at her face, she's glowing with happiness, finally, after her long search of it. The book is inspiring as Elizabeth takes us to Italy, India and Indonesia as she searches for the true meaning of her existance and discover herself in each of those places. At the end of her journey, she finally found love, when she least expected it. (Ahh..I heard everyone telling me that..it better works!!) So, the 3 times really was her idea that on every beginning of the day, start by writing in your journal or diary the things that you really really really want to achieve that day. Because the 3 times wanting it makes you feel more motivated. Hmm..I'm not good at giving book review, but this is my best effort (you can laugh at my silly attempt,I don't mind..).
So,again, I really really really want to be happy and successful in my life and I really really really hope I can share it with someone I love (only God knows where he is, and I wish he will find me here, someday, soon enough..I am waiting for you with all my heart and love..Mr Whoever You Are. In order to have love, I am moving forward now, and start loving myself. Only by loving yourself you will find love. Allah created us with love. Find love in Him, confide in God when you have no one to listen to you, He will always listen.
Remember the 3 times really!
This week is gonna be tough, I have important things to tend to but ugh...I really really really want to be happy..(yeah, I repeat the word three times purposely).You wanna know why? I watched Oprah on Hallmark a couple of weeks ago.That night was the Book Club night, and she discussed about Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" (I adore the cover of that book..Credits to Green Wellies from Flickr for the image).
I'd been eyeing that book for a long time during my occasional (like once in 3 month? because I was so busy :P) visits to MPH and Borders. If you look at her face, she's glowing with happiness, finally, after her long search of it. The book is inspiring as Elizabeth takes us to Italy, India and Indonesia as she searches for the true meaning of her existance and discover herself in each of those places. At the end of her journey, she finally found love, when she least expected it. (Ahh..I heard everyone telling me that..it better works!!) So, the 3 times really was her idea that on every beginning of the day, start by writing in your journal or diary the things that you really really really want to achieve that day. Because the 3 times wanting it makes you feel more motivated. Hmm..I'm not good at giving book review, but this is my best effort (you can laugh at my silly attempt,I don't mind..).
So,again, I really really really want to be happy and successful in my life and I really really really hope I can share it with someone I love (only God knows where he is, and I wish he will find me here, someday, soon enough..I am waiting for you with all my heart and love..Mr Whoever You Are. In order to have love, I am moving forward now, and start loving myself. Only by loving yourself you will find love. Allah created us with love. Find love in Him, confide in God when you have no one to listen to you, He will always listen.
Remember the 3 times really!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Hiya!! uhm...been a while and I'm still in this miserable mood,yikes!!
Ramadhan has gone and it's Syawal now. Perhaps, it's not too late to wish everyone happy holiday & Eid Mubarak! Please forgive me, all my shortcomings and bad deeds, and I hope that may we all be blessed by the Almighty this Syawal and beyond.
I am still not feeling well, got a cold from my uncle back when we were in my mom's hometown.I magine driving for 9 hours with cold, runny nose, and chill..huh..plus all those sob songs coming out from my MP3 modulator on the radio. I had a lot of heavy thoughts in my mind those 9 hours. And still, Daniel Bedingfield's 'If you're not the one' maintained to stay in this very secluded spot in my heart for 4 years!
"I never know what the future brings (of course, nobody knows how our future will be like, but we have always hope foe the best didn't we?)
To add more to the misery, try listening to James Blunt's 'Goodbye my lover':
"It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals."
"I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be"
(indeed, it's my dreams you take.They left you all alone, and took away all your dreams. And it hurts a million times more when you know that they are sharing your dreams with someone else. YOUR DREAMS, those were the things you have wished so much to share with them, you told them the things that you want to do to them when the two of you are together someday.That's when you wish you never know them in the very first place. That's when you regret telling them all your dreams.That's when you feel so devastated that you wish you want to run away to the end of the earth and just stay there, where the time stops and you can unwind everything.)
I found an interesting website with a lot of articles related to my situation. The author, Chris Roberts seems to understand very well the feelings of broken hearted peoples.
Ramadhan has gone and it's Syawal now. Perhaps, it's not too late to wish everyone happy holiday & Eid Mubarak! Please forgive me, all my shortcomings and bad deeds, and I hope that may we all be blessed by the Almighty this Syawal and beyond.
I am still not feeling well, got a cold from my uncle back when we were in my mom's hometown.I magine driving for 9 hours with cold, runny nose, and chill..huh..plus all those sob songs coming out from my MP3 modulator on the radio. I had a lot of heavy thoughts in my mind those 9 hours. And still, Daniel Bedingfield's 'If you're not the one' maintained to stay in this very secluded spot in my heart for 4 years!
"I never know what the future brings (of course, nobody knows how our future will be like, but we have always hope foe the best didn't we?)
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed? (I used to cry myself out every night while waiting for sleep to take me)
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife? (I have had this kind of dreams several times, felt real, i was really happy in them)
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
(this is the most touching parts, the one I die with, it is very devastating to live your life alone, dying alone etc. And yes, when you pray hard to share your life and start a family with someone and suddenly, everything was taken away from you, it is very very devastating. I know that my life has never been great, and I don't know if it will ever be.But even how miserable my life is, there are some beautiful, shiny days that I wish I have someone to share it with.Even if someday, I can only afford to live in a small hut, cooking some very simple, not so decent nor lavish meals, I do hope I can cook them for someone with all my heart,with lots of love.And that, for me, is the most fulfilling, decent meals I can ever have in this whole world.)
To add more to the misery, try listening to James Blunt's 'Goodbye my lover':
"It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals."
"I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be"
(indeed, it's my dreams you take.They left you all alone, and took away all your dreams. And it hurts a million times more when you know that they are sharing your dreams with someone else. YOUR DREAMS, those were the things you have wished so much to share with them, you told them the things that you want to do to them when the two of you are together someday.That's when you wish you never know them in the very first place. That's when you regret telling them all your dreams.That's when you feel so devastated that you wish you want to run away to the end of the earth and just stay there, where the time stops and you can unwind everything.)
I found an interesting website with a lot of articles related to my situation. The author, Chris Roberts seems to understand very well the feelings of broken hearted peoples.
"Many people have come through this kind of pain that they feel like they will die from a broken heart. While, many of them get off their grief, some can actually die from a broken heart without them knowing it. Women are at most risk at dying from a broken heart." (sounds familiar? This is his fact to support the idea)
"During the ‘70s, Mayo Clinic medical researchers realized that how people think and feel does correlate to how healthy a person’s heart is and will be. The Mayo Clinic studied more than 170 people that had been suffering from intense sadness and fury can suffer from Sudden Cardiac Death. It meant that people who have a broken heart can die from it."
So, no wonder that heart breaks does take a toll on someone's health.An easy example is what have happened to myself. I kept losing weight eventhough I eat very well, on time, don't skip meals and yeah...you should believe me when I say I eat a lot! I don't care about carb contents, love fast foods and I've always ordered KFC cheesy wedges with extra cheese and mayo! So, I guess, some reasearch has to be done to my case.
OK, enough said there. I better go now.I have to stop grieving, on my way actually. It is a very slow and painful process, but yeah, I am hoping to feel better with each passing day.Problems never ends, that's the challenges packaged with our life. I have a bigger issue to deal with, my gruesome studies,I really really hope to graduate a.s.a.p. I can't bear the mess any longer!
Quoting Margo's (where are you beautiful lady?) "Loving life, loving you" (yes, all of you who are generous enough to spend some of your precious time reading my whinings,thanks).
C'est la vie! (credits to BJ for translating it to me).
Thursday, September 4, 2008
One minute
If I were to have another minute to be with you,
I would use up my first four seconds to say...
I will miss you.
I would use up my first four seconds to say...
I will miss you.
I would use my next 11 seconds to say...
Do you know how much I missed you? Only God knows.
My next eight seconds to say...
Whisper for my name whenever you need me.
My precious ten seconds to tell you that...
I will always be around with you no matter what.
I only need fourteen seconds to say that...
If you felt lonely, try to imagine as if I was sitting beside you.
Another ten seconds to whisper to your ear that...
I wanted to be with you in my life forever.
My last three seconds to confess to you that...
I love you.
(not mine, extracted from somewhere which I couldn't remember,but I've kept it in my laptop since early of 2007.Love the sweet words so much! Touched my heart..)
Friday, August 29, 2008
Lonely heart
Last Sunday, I had a chance to take my mom and sisters to Midvalley Megamall. I left them to do some grocery shopping and went straight to my favourite spot, MPH bookstore. Not that I’m a nerd or bookworm, but I can spend hours in bookstore and sometimes, lost track of time..haha..
Caught sight of some references and found a secluded spot there and read some. Only then I realized that I am starting to have a fever..ahh..then, looking at couples, holding hands and some of them have baby in stroller, what a beautiful sight. To have someone love you so much and sharing the same interest, how I wish I can have that too. I know I am such an introvert, as I really enjoy solitude so much. Then, I went out of MPH for a while, that’s where I feel like Teddy Geiger’s song, “if I could dim the light in a mall and create a mood, I would”. I stood there at the center of the court, alone, looking at a huge crowd of people, and I started to hear nothing, like it is an ultimate silence, and I can feel like I am the only person there, at that moment, and it was so cold, so lonely.
Then, I started thinking, up until now, what if I am meant to be here, in this world, alone, for the rest of my life? The previous night’s discussion when my cousins and I hung out suddenly rang in my mind. And I sat there, wondering again, what should I do with my life now? I am scared to plan for anything now, as each time I had one, it would always shattered and I was left with nothing, had to start anew from scratch, over and over again. And that, really.. really hurt soooo much. That’s when I decided, to just leave everything and just go on with the flow of my life. Wherever it may take me, I’ll leave everything to God now. I don’t know what else to do, what else I can work on with.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
When the going gets tough..
huh..it's been a loong while since I last scribbled something here..I don't even know if there is anyone reading this. Remember my previous post, when said if I am gone missing, who will look out and find me?..hmm..I can say that there are a few..
I got involved in a nasty car accident, just a kilometre from my house, and...the trauma is still haunting me. Alhamdulillah, I survived the crash without a single scratch, but I fainted a few times, from shocked.
Quite a crowd gathered there, including some bouncers, trying to persuade me to let them tow my poor car..huh..what a scene!! Give me a break laa..I was soo confused and scared..That happened on the 10th of April, exactly 6 days after my previous post.
It took me more than a month to get her back, and yeah..she is different now, not like the way she used to be. The engine is noisier, leaking here and there, but, just have to be thankful to Allah, everything is better now. At least, I still have a car. Imagine those who doesn't have any, who had to take a crowded bus (I know how it feels..I've been there loong before I have this tiny car) or..those who can't even walk..there are so many things we have to be thankful for yet, we are still whining for things we don't have.I rode a motorcycle to work that whole month.Haha..a minah rempit after the drift incident.
Now, I am struggling to graduate.I have a BIG issue with school, that the whole faculty knows..I am in a BIG trouble, but I know, things will be better sooner or later.I am trying my best to keep some faith, try to think positive and put it into actions..in work, in personal matters, in everything..May Allah help me and help us all..amiin..
That's when I realize, "when the going gets tough, only the tough gets going!"
I knew that phrase from a mural, back when I was in high school. It made me wonder, am I that tough? I hope I am. I hope I will always stay strong, so that no matter what happen, I can still be patient and get going, I can still smile and relax. I have some peoples, giving me their support and strength, and I thank them so much to just be there for me. I love you all and I wish everyone the best things in life..
I got involved in a nasty car accident, just a kilometre from my house, and...the trauma is still haunting me. Alhamdulillah, I survived the crash without a single scratch, but I fainted a few times, from shocked.
Quite a crowd gathered there, including some bouncers, trying to persuade me to let them tow my poor car..huh..what a scene!! Give me a break laa..I was soo confused and scared..That happened on the 10th of April, exactly 6 days after my previous post.
It took me more than a month to get her back, and yeah..she is different now, not like the way she used to be. The engine is noisier, leaking here and there, but, just have to be thankful to Allah, everything is better now. At least, I still have a car. Imagine those who doesn't have any, who had to take a crowded bus (I know how it feels..I've been there loong before I have this tiny car) or..those who can't even walk..there are so many things we have to be thankful for yet, we are still whining for things we don't have.I rode a motorcycle to work that whole month.Haha..a minah rempit after the drift incident.
Now, I am struggling to graduate.I have a BIG issue with school, that the whole faculty knows..I am in a BIG trouble, but I know, things will be better sooner or later.I am trying my best to keep some faith, try to think positive and put it into actions..in work, in personal matters, in everything..May Allah help me and help us all..amiin..
That's when I realize, "when the going gets tough, only the tough gets going!"
I knew that phrase from a mural, back when I was in high school. It made me wonder, am I that tough? I hope I am. I hope I will always stay strong, so that no matter what happen, I can still be patient and get going, I can still smile and relax. I have some peoples, giving me their support and strength, and I thank them so much to just be there for me. I love you all and I wish everyone the best things in life..
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