Lonely heart

Last Sunday, I had a chance to take my mom and sisters to Midvalley Megamall. I left them to do some grocery shopping and went straight to my favourite spot, MPH bookstore. Not that I’m a nerd or bookworm, but I can spend hours in bookstore and sometimes, lost track of time..haha..

Caught sight of some references and found a secluded spot there and read some. Only then I realized that I am starting to have a fever..ahh..then, looking at couples, holding hands and some of them have baby in stroller, what a beautiful sight. To have someone love you so much and sharing the same interest, how I wish I can have that too. I know I am such an introvert, as I really enjoy solitude so much. Then, I went out of MPH for a while, that’s where I feel like Teddy Geiger’s song, “if I could dim the light in a mall and create a mood, I would”. I stood there at the center of the court, alone, looking at a huge crowd of people, and I started to hear nothing, like it is an ultimate silence, and I can feel like I am the only person there, at that moment, and it was so cold, so lonely.

Then, I started thinking, up until now, what if I am meant to be here, in this world, alone, for the rest of my life? The previous night’s discussion when my cousins and I hung out suddenly rang in my mind. And I sat there, wondering again, what should I do with my life now? I am scared to plan for anything now, as each time I had one, it would always shattered and I was left with nothing, had to start anew from scratch, over and over again. And that, really.. really hurt soooo much. That’s when I decided, to just leave everything and just go on with the flow of my life. Wherever it may take me, I’ll leave everything to God now. I don’t know what else to do, what else I can work on with.

When the going gets tough..

huh..it's been a loong while since I last scribbled something here..I don't even know if there is anyone reading this. Remember my previous post, when said if I am gone missing, who will look out and find me?..hmm..I can say that there are a few..
I got involved in a nasty car accident, just a kilometre from my house, and...the trauma is still haunting me. Alhamdulillah, I survived the crash without a single scratch, but I fainted a few times, from shocked.


Quite a crowd gathered there, including some bouncers, trying to persuade me to let them tow my poor car..huh..what a scene!! Give me a break laa..I was soo confused and scared..That happened on the 10th of April, exactly 6 days after my previous post.
It took me more than a month to get her back, and yeah..she is different now, not like the way she used to be. The engine is noisier, leaking here and there, but, just have to be thankful to Allah, everything is better now. At least, I still have a car. Imagine those who doesn't have any, who had to take a crowded bus (I know how it feels..I've been there loong before I have this tiny car) or..those who can't even walk..there are so many things we have to be thankful for yet, we are still whining for things we don't have.I rode a motorcycle to work that whole month.Haha..a minah rempit after the drift incident.

Now, I am struggling to graduate.I have a BIG issue with school, that the whole faculty knows..I am in a BIG trouble, but I know, things will be better sooner or later.I am trying my best to keep some faith, try to think positive and put it into actions..in work, in personal matters, in everything..May Allah help me and help us all..amiin..

That's when I realize, "when the going gets tough, only the tough gets going!"
I knew that phrase from a mural, back when I was in high school. It made me wonder, am I that tough? I hope I am. I hope I will always stay strong, so that no matter what happen, I can still be patient and get going, I can still smile and relax. I have some peoples, giving me their support and strength, and I thank them so much to just be there for me. I love you all and I wish everyone the best things in life..

Intro

First of all..I'm NOT in any way connected to Hans Christian Andersen's The Ugly Duckling children fairytale..but somehow,a part of life I'm going through right now is pretty much related, where there is a sense on not belonging to this certain group, isolated and lonely..hahaha..sounds tragic huh? If the Ugly Duckling in that story ended-up being a beautiful swan, I am so not like that. To describe myself, I wear a pair of old, baggy jeans, huge blouse or baju kurung and a BATA slippers that old ladies wear to go to the market, practically everywhere. That would explain the Ugly part, not the duckling. But I think..I don't care what peoples say about me,as long as I'm comfortable with whatever I am wearing.. *wink*



But musings and babblings are my specialty *mischievous grin*..

I'm old enough I guess..(if 25 is considered old..I have live for a quarter of a century,alhamdulillah..),to be outspoken enough, discussing about everyday things..not to mention,'mengumpat-ing' a bit every now and then.Bad me..*evil grin*



I love listening to Flyfm, an English national radio, especially the Fix-it every weekday morning. And today's Fix-it featured a girl, asking the DJs to fix her problem with her bf, which I think is too silly to be talk about.Aiyoo..come on lah..her bf is no longer open the door for her, pulling a chair for her and other things she considered 'gentleman' things. I know those are romantic things any typical ladies would expect from their bfs to do, but,d'oh.. (slaps forehead) you have hands & legs to do those things yourself. Couples show their nicest side always when in a relationship. But see if they are married, the true colours will come out and you will see how unromantic and ungentleman they will be. i mean,when you have children etc (p/s: I'm single) , when you have the responsibilities, you tend to care more about children & responsibilities and will have less time to be romantic and gentleman..at least,that's what I've witnessed so far..I do wish to have a romantic & gentleman husband one day,I have been and always will be praying for a 'suami soleh' since I was 19..



After so many things that I have gone through, I think, I am more matured now, in a way of managing my life. Not that I am not matured before..haha..I think,I'm learning to live my life a lot independently? Maybe so..But every now and then, I would always be wondering, if I'm gone missing, will there be anyone looking for me? My family would of course, but others? Hmm..I just don't know..